BRI BONANZA

ABERRANT

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:43:21 GMT

with every passing day the knife of anticipation digs in deeper. the defiled tool that butchers my every bit of sanity. i can't withstand this feeling of absolute detachment from my source of bliss. i can't help but to clutch to my own apprehensive thoughts, in dire need of a loop hole, a way to disarray time and space itself, before my mind collapses. all i can manage in my time of bleakness is to do what i once did, and what i must become familiar with like before. i must hold out before i break. one should learn to understand the absolute hold they have over another before they betray it. although, for the first time in a while, i'm beginning to gain hope, rather than watch it whither away. you seem to find that things are becoming like once before, as they are, while at the same time they're deteriorating because of the mere simple fact of, the closer i get to you, the more suffering i endear for the simple fact that i can't hold out. i'm in need of your comforting self intertwined with mine, and feel almost as though your my clutch, but i like it that way. my shoulders ache for such drastic periods of time, missing the warm sensation of having you rapped around them. the miles cause my anguish, but the end product is much too sweet to pass up my dear. iv'e never had with another what i have with you, and honestly know i never could. i cherish it with my whole heart, because that's what you have. have faith in us, and never give it back.

I FIGURE

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 03:22:39 GMT

i'd be a much happier, more stable if i looked the way i want to. i'm worn out and tired of the atrocious feeling that passes over me just from one simple look in the mirror. i continuously pick at all of these flaws i easily find, at wish for them to vanish, although i'm throughly aware of the fact that they wont. it's pitiful feeling this way towards my own self, but i can't seem to posses this feeling of hatred i have towards my looks. i don't know, i guess i needed to say it, so fuck it.

ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:15:11 GMT

the horrifying thought arrived unexpectedly, the thought of complete solitude. the concept of confinement without my sole reason for existence frightens me more than any other possible tragedy that could ever grace me with it's presence. it's quite pointless to fathom up a way to explain this sudden perspective iv'e come across. i'm destroying myself with each tension building moment. i pick at my thoughts constantly. i can't find a way to explain this to you, although i more than anything wish you could understand by the hurt and pain in my voice, although it is yet to happen. my feelings are so fragile lately. we have supposedly cleared everything up, maybe to you, but hardly to me. i suppose i'll clear my thoughts up through my writing. your so shocked at the thought of me even considering you leaving me, as i am shocked at my own self, while at the same time, i'm completely aware of the reasoning. i tear myself down too much. i already know, and as much of a front i put up, it lingers inside like a disguised cancer. my seriousness gets you down, while i thrive off of it. i need it to stay sane, i need to feel as though i have a reason to exist, and that's you. without you i'd be a pathetic excuse for a person, and i need to be confirmed of your feelings for me, although you feel it's pointless to state the obvious. but i need to hear it, which you just don't understand. i need to change, and let go of these horrific thoughts i possess, for the sake of you, but i just can't, i want it's absence more than anything, so i can be truly what you want, while at the same time i clutch on to it for my dear life, and live off of my own sadness. you say these problems with me don't affect you, although i can see it more and more each and every day. please just stay with me, through these bumps in the road. i'm trying to be what you need me to be, and with time it may happen, but don't let go of what we have, because it's all i have.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 16:30:05 GMT

how iv'e managed to come across the most incredible of people, who has the ability to make everything perfect for me, but suddenly, despite this happiness iv'e aquired, i feel as though i'm falling apart, and i'm clueless as to why i feel this way. he's all that's holding me together as lifes course tears me apart, and it's so hard to stay happy because of this. i'm terrified of explaining my sudden sadness to him, because he'll feel as though it's his fault, and won't understand that my lifes always been this way, my minds always been this way, he dosen't bring it on at all, he just keeps me strong and looking forward to the next day, he's inspired me to have hope in the unwanted problems i'm experiencing. if only he could realise this. i was so broken, and he mended my heart. unexpectedly, the threads beginning to wear down, and life's downside is rushing back into my presence. i don't know what to do, i'm afraid of melting back into my old ways. i don't want to be there again. i don't think i could take it. please stay around and keep me sane so i resist the need to crack.

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 21:40:54 GMT

i feel so hypocritical and i can't just block this feeling out like iv'e learned to do so well. the problem is i feel as though i can't reach your expectations with my past mistakes throwing themselves on our course.it's not my fault that's all i can say, and hope you take my sincerest of apologies and understand fully that i would throw away everything for that one idiotic period of time to just melt away. you already know my thoughts and feelings on the present situation that's come up but i'm afraid you won't reveal yours, and your true intentions will stay hidden, and in my weakest moment you'll unleash my death upon me.

HELLO LOVE

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 20:00:31 GMT

i consider my writing to be the easiest form for me to express myself. most likely because i can avoid the confrontation, the expectation and the apprehensive feeling i get when i speak my thoughts especially, or speak in general. you could say i'm finally approaching this confrontation, but in more of a concealed way? i'm before a machine, yet too afraid to speak my mind into a little white box. why am i so extremely terrified of your reaction? i have so much to convery into your awaiting ears, as i sit here tounge-tied trying desperately to choke up three words. there's so much i want you to know, and you say you have the same problem of nerves. you can distinguish everything running through my jumbled train of thought, all in the short time in which we say goodbye. i can't say what i feel during this occasion although i despise myself shortly after for not using the opportunity to explain what i feel for you. my story was one of sorrow, but how can you change that for me so effortlessly? how can you, one lone person turn my horrific tale into a fairytale? your my clutch you could say, your voice is my sheild from harsh reality. you find yourself to be so appalling, as i feel the same way about myself. but we consider eachother so flawless. wev'e shared so many amazing moments that i hold onto desperatly for the time i'm not in your presence. you find me to be so doubtless in us, considering i question you so much, and that's like a stab to you, and a stab to myself for even acting in such a ridiculous manner towards you. i don't see what you see in me though my dear, that's why i find it impossible not to be concerned. i feel as though i could loose you in the blink of an eye, which is the last thing i ever want to witness. honestly, i have absolutely no idea how i could possibly stay sane without you. i love you with every single molecule in my being, and want you to realize just how much that is, although it's impossible for me to speak a word as my hearts pounding inside. i just wish i could have you fastened around me, our eyes intertwined and our thoughts aiming in the same direction more often than just the rare occasion, because those are the moments i cherish the most. i more than anything just want you to realise that i love you. i truly do more than anything. you amaze me. i remember the moment i finally conveyed my love for you for the first time. how absolutely terrified i was of your reaction. when you said it back, my heart skipped a beat and began pounding. this moment i realised how everything before had been a lie, and your'e the real thing, so i began to cry, like always. i was filled with so many amazing emotions just hearing you say that. i'd never felt that way before in my life, and i knew i wasn't lying, and still mean it every single time i say it to you. i want to stay with you for an extremely long time. i want people to look at us and envy what only you and me share. you've given me everything i need and more just in having you. i love you, and i really want you to know that i mean that fullheartedly.

HAPPINESS

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 02:35:48 GMT

this is something that i rarely got the priveledge to experience. i thought i may have come across my first bit of happiness not too long ago, but that turned for the worse. at a time before i was a cadaver of no pain. worthless, frail and fragile. my exterior was ghostly and scarred. i was deprived of the one thing i needed most at the time; someone who cared for me. it was sortof as if upon my dismissil i was forgotten. my presence was absent, but the memories still freshly lingered in their minds. i guess this past year has instilled a lot into me, and changed me in multiple ways. it all seemed to be going down the drain. my life and craving for existence. honestly, it now feels that's all so far away now. yes, some of my past life hesitates to leave me in peace and solitude, but things seem to be turning around. all thanks to one person. it's abslutely astonishing how one being can change your outlook on life and give you a reason to smile, and actually mean it. one person can make your like days worthwhile, because of them leading up to the one day you've waited for a long while to finally arive. it's amazing how just one person can make every upsetting thing in your life just melt away from the way they say your name. how can one person be everything to another. how do the fates decide that just upon coincidental meeting you can find the one person who makes you melt when you least expect it. it's almost scary how much life has turned around for me in such a short period of time, and there's one lone person to thank for this realization.

life is changing for the better

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 06:42:44 GMT

i feel almost as if a weights been lifted off my shoulders you could say. i have'nt felt the way i do this very moment in quite a long while. iv'e only felt this way once before, yet it detonated right in my face. i honestly hope more than anything in this world that this feeling won't be here for a short while, i want to continue waking up every day with a smile on my face knowing i have the one thing that matters most to me. i don't want to retrace my previous steps, but i honestly feel that this won't backfire. it only gets stronger, deeper, and we just get closer and closer. iv'e explained to you that my past haunts me. iv'e seen a lot and been through a lot. i honestly wish i could have a fresh clean slate of perfection and divinity, but i'm quite aware that won't ever happen. i'm self concious, timid and scared. i get nervous and shaky and frantic. i pick at myself obsesivly. i cover my face. i look away. i smoke like a chimney. i embarass myself continuously. i'm truly quite commiserable. for some undecipherable reason you aren't affected by my many unconcealed flaws. you find me to be so faultless. i think a lot. i over - analyse things. i'm such a wreck. what can make you think me to be so flawless =(.

ONE MISTAKE

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 23:54:41 GMT

brings my back to the starting line. it's deplorable how one small thing done wrong can drag you back so far, and you have to restart from scratch, having no idea how to even commence in a proper way. thankfully, amongst all this chaos im experiencing, one good thing has come out of it, that i'm going to try my best to hold on to.

PHYSOCTIC

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:52:01 GMT

is what i am. my drive won't get anywhere. i want to look a certain way, yet i look a complete other. i feel that i try so hard to get to a certain place, but i've wound up a step back from where i started, and it's exasperating. i more than deffinatly do not want to resort to what i once had to, but it's starting to seem as though that's the only way to get what i truly want to be. i guess that i'm saying, this, is just all so overwhelming.

PORTRAYAL

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 22:09:20 GMT

finalised. it's finished. it's concluded for good. hurtful, shocking, unwanted, but in a way, a sort of burden has been lifted..... i guess. i can't put it into words, the feeling he's brought on. one will never understand, so why try to explain it? he's brought my existense to a closure.

FALSE HOPE

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 21:56:30 GMT

i have a strong feeling, things will drastically change in the future. not even slightly close to now, but in the longrun, things will hopefully change for the good. i know what i once had wasn't created from coincidence or luck. it was inevitable from the first conversation. i only hope that one day, karma, or fate even, will reunite these broken bonds, and replace the thread through this torn heart. i feel the miles. and would walk them in a split second to be within ten feet of you. people look at me as though i'm absent-minded and unawhere of the world around me. there's a lot more to me than just air, and i wish for just one more person to come along and see that, and step on the memories that he left me with and compose more than he provided as a crutch, my lungs, having him around was my way of staying sane. so what has become of me now? that's for you to decide.

HOPEFUL

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 21:35:03 GMT

gah. false hope.

i just came to

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 03:51:38 GMT

the harshest realization of my entire life. my world just shattered right in front of my unprepared eyes. i'm not gonna lie, i pretty much have nothing to live for. i am experiencing the strongest emotional pain right now and i just wish it could stop.

my world is coming to an end,
and i can do NOTHING to prevent it.
why can't time just stand still?

why is it

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 02:09:13 GMT

that i can be with so many people, or doing something that absolutely dosen't pertain to him in the least but he is the one and only thing on my mind. my mind is racing with thoughts of the very near future. i can't even stand waiting anymore. i wish my thoughts and feelings would aim in a new direction other than him, every little perfect molecule of him that i miss and wish i could embrace so badly. i miss every little thing about him, and it's pretty terrible how aware i am of the fact that no one will EVER compare to him in the least, and i honestly wish they could more than anything. its the most aching feeling to have to know just how.... unwanted you are, by the one person who you grew so unimaginably close to. you hearts were connected and they just ripped it all apart. i'm with one of the people that matters to me most right now, and the only thing across my mind is his voice, and the walk of death im facing in 6 days.

gutted.

the eyes of deception

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 23:57:45 GMT

never blink, never cease to stare straight at you, never rest, or even close slightly. they can see into all of your hidden crevices, and find every imperfection you unwantingly posess. they slowly weave apart every stitch that youv'e slowly stitched through your skin.
love. it's the strongest word known to mankind. a very meaningful word. it opens eyes, and shatters hearts. love can be a word that means nothing to most, but absolutely everything to me, along with others. the deciept that has been placed into my memories is the one thing that has overpowered every little decision, thought, miliscule part of my life and being.